On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Oh god it's open bar.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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