Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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