i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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