Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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