FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
