Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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