You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
