Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
