Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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