proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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