I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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