And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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