I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Everything about him screamed your future.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
