If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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