Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
