If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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