I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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