Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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