If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Randomize