just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
