1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
