she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Randomize
