ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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