I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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