No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
