I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
