defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
