Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Randomize
