hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
