Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
