watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
