I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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