...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
