32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
