I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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