he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Come share oat with me in your robe
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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