When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
