theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
