someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
