i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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