I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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