It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
