he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
