Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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