So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
