this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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