And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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