I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
