Swine flu. Run for my life!
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
