:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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