It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
