My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
