God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
