I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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