Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
