Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
