I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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