Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
