Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
