I wish I could teleport
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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