its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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