Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
